The Sin of Triangulation
When Gossip Becomes a Weapon and Truth Is Twisted
In many offices, churches, and even families, sin doesn’t always wear a name tag. It doesn’t come in with a pitchfork or announce itself with thunder. Sometimes, it slips in through a thread of truth—something real, something small—and then it grows. Quietly. Secretly. Wrapped in jealousy, resentment, and a strange sense of self-righteousness.
It starts like this:
Someone notices that a team member—a leader, anointed and capable—is thriving. People are responding. Change is happening. But instead of celebrating, others begin to whisper.
They take a thread of truth, something the leader said or did, and they begin spinning it. They wrap it with bitterness, twist it with their own projections, and suddenly a new narrative forms—one that paints the leader not as effective, but as “too intense,” “too controlling,” “too much.”
Triangulation in Action
Rather than confronting the leader directly, the staff begins triangulating:
Upper management gets wind of the noise—not through direct testimony or careful listening—but through the undertone of unrest. Human Resources is alerted. Policies are referenced. Outside consultants are brought in.
But here’s the tragedy: No one even asks the leader what happened. It’s like watching an episode of Mean Girls, only this is real life and it is eroding the self-confidence of a leader.
No one gives her the dignity of a voice. She is reprimanded and urged to seek therapy, as if her excellence has become a liability rather than a gift. The system, in an attempt to manage tension, sacrifices the person caught in the middle—all because people preferred talking about someone rather than talking with them.
This is triangulation. And it is sin.
What Does the Bible Say?
While the term “triangulation” isn’t used in Scripture, the behavior is clearly identified and condemned.
Proverbs 16:28 – “A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.”
Matthew 18:15 – “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you.”
Proverbs 26:20 – “Without wood a fire goes out; without a gossip a quarrel dies down.”
James 3:6 – “The tongue also is a fire… it corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire.”
When people triangulate, they not only stir up dissension—they also deny the person they’re talking about the opportunity to be heard, known, or understood. This breaks down trust, dismantles teams, and ultimately, destroys the very fabric of Christian community.
Why Triangulation Is So Dangerous
What Should You Do Instead?
Go directly to the person. Don’t text someone else. Don’t vent to a friend. Don’t build a team against someone. Talk face-to-face.
If someone brings you gossip, stop it. Ask, “Have you spoken to her directly?”
Not just the part that makes you look good. Avoid narratives that paint others as villains and you as the victim.
Pray before you speak. Invite the Holy Spirit to help you seek peace, not power.
Don’t assume. Don’t spread. “Love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).
A Personal Word to the Leader Caught in the Middle
If you’ve been in this place—ostracized without being heard, labeled without being known—I want to say what others didn’t:
I am so sorry this happened. Your story matters. You should have been asked. You deserved to be treated with dignity and clarity, not suspicion and silence.
You’re not alone. Jesus Himself was triangulated—betrayed by Judas, denied by Peter, and handed over to Pilate by people who never even knew Him. He, too, was told to be silent while others rewrote the story. And still, He forgave.
A Better Way Forward
The Church, the workplace, and our families are called to be places of truth, grace, and direct communication. When conflict arises—and it will—we must choose love over control, courage over comfort, and honesty over hearsay. Remember, to truly love someone with the love of God is not to allow behavior to go on that is sinful. Most of us do not have the courage to lead this way. But, maybe if we start, others will follow.
Let’s break the sin of triangulation.
Let’s build the Kingdom with truth, trust, and transparency.
