office romances and leadership

Navigating Office Romances: Leadership, Loyalty, and the Hidden Ripples

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Recently, my colleague Selene approached me with a concern that many of us in leadership roles may have faced at some point: “What should I do? I noticed two coworkers at the office spending more time together, being chummy in ways that feel beyond professional.” She knew their families well—sharing moments on the sidelines of their kids’ ball games and at school concerts. Now she was caught in a web of concern, wondering how to honor her relationships with these families and what this might mean for the workplace.

As a leader, these conversations are never easy. But they are crucial. Office romances—especially when they involve married colleagues—create a terrible atmosphere that goes far beyond the two people involved. They leave a room filled with tension, where everyone feels like they’re walking on eggshells, careful not to say the wrong thing. Even if no one says it out loud, you can feel it—the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that something’s off, that trust is slipping away.

The Hidden Costs of Office Romances

It’s a fact that’s often unspoken, but it needs to be named: most workplace romances—particularly those involving married colleagues—rarely work out in the end. What does remain are the long-term impacts: the defining moment of being married or being a parent doesn’t disappear. No matter how we spin it, once we’ve made a vow or welcomed a child into the world, we carry that role for a lifetime.

The heartbreak of an office affair can tear through a workplace like a silent hurricane. It impacts morale, breeds distrust, and can even unravel the sense of community that keeps teams together. Colleagues wonder who’s in the know, who’s complicit, and who’s being honest. Work becomes an environment of whispers instead of collaboration.

Self-Check: Our Own Vulnerability

Before we speak up—or even silently judge—it’s wise to check our own hearts. We’re all vulnerable to the thrill of feeling seen and understood, especially during seasons of stress, disillusionment, or loneliness. Recognizing that vulnerability in ourselves keeps us humble. It also sharpens our empathy as we approach situations like this.

Selene’s question nudged me to do my own soul work. Where am I finding comfort or excitement outside of my marriage or family? Am I stewarding my heart, my mind, and my commitments in ways that honor not just my family but also the families of those I work alongside? Remember, we set an example for someone. Don’t lose sight of that.

Conviction, Not Condemnation

The sick feeling in our stomachs when we see these things happen is a sign that something is off. But it’s also a chance for conviction—a saving grace that can call us back before it’s too late. Conviction is not the same as guilt. Guilt weighs us down with condemnation, while conviction opens the door to change and restoration. It’s a warning light that says: this isn’t right, and we need to address it before lives are shattered and trust is lost.

Christian Leadership: A Christian Standard

For those of us who follow Christ, these situations carry even more weight. Scripture calls us to personally be above reproach, to live lives marked by integrity and self-control (Titus 1:7–8). When trust is broken in the workplace—especially by those who proclaim Christ—it doesn’t just damage relationships. It damages our witness.

Having the Conversation

The authors of Crucial Conversations remind us that when the stakes are high and opinions differ, safety is essential for honest dialogue.(1) They suggest making it safe for the other person to talk by clarifying your intent and showing respect, even as you hold to your values. In this kind of situation, approaching with humility and honesty—acknowledging that you care for the people involved and for the families beyond the office—can open the door for an honest conversation.

Here are some ideas for conversation starters:

• Use a Tentative Statement to Invite Dialogue:
“I might be seeing this differently than you, but it feels like there’s something shifting here. I wanted to check in and hear how you’re seeing it, too.”
• Focus on Shared Commitment:
“I know we all care deeply about this workplace and the families it touches. That’s why I wanted to have a conversation—to make sure we’re all aligned and no one’s left feeling uneasy.”
• Acknowledge Your Own Discomfort While Staying Curious:
“I feel a little uncomfortable bringing this up, but I also feel it’s important. Can we have a candid talk about how things are going between you and [name]?” (2)

For Selene—and for all of us—it starts with prayerful honesty. If you see a relationship crossing boundaries, talk to the people involved with gentle, direct clarity. Don’t gossip. Don’t assume the worst. But don’t look away either.

Be mindful that your silence can be interpreted as permission. Your courage to gently ask questions can be a lifeline—not just for your colleagues but for their families as well.

Final Reflections

Office romances aren’t harmless distractions. They are high-stakes choices that can leave deep, lasting scars. As leaders, we’re called to create environments where people flourish—not just at work, but in the fullness of their lives. That means upholding the dignity of marriage, the well-being of children, and the trust that holds teams together.

I’m grateful to Selene for her honesty and her courage to care about what’s happening not just in the office, but in the homes represented by every person we work with. May we all have the same clarity, compassion, and conviction in the days to come.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” — Proverbs 3:5–6

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